I have a simple story. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. Truly I had longed for our little baby. It was getting close to a year since we had starting trying for a baby that I finally became pregnant. Of course I knew in theory that it is common to take a while to conceive a baby and that I shouldn’t feel stressed and overly analytical about it. In reality though I was very aware of what my body was saying because, being a biologist I just could not help tracking and charting all sorts of details about my fertility cycle that I thought might help our chances of conceiving. My cycle was so regular that I felt sad that I had not had the chance to do a pregnancy test even just to confirm I was not pregnant. So I was delighted when my period was finally late and decided to do a test and let myself feel that couple of minutes of extra hope while waiting for the test window to reveal all. We were so happy when our little window showed I was finally pregnant! I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! However within two weeks of doing that test my smile turned to tears as I simply bled as if I had a late, heavy period.
So you see, as I said at the beginning, I have a simple story that many, many women in the past, without our modern pregnancy tests, may have experienced, without ever realising that they were pregnant in the first place. God saved me from much heart ache, but I will never forget sitting with my husband in the middle of a beautiful park on a beautiful sunny day, feeling as much pain over the loss of our baby as I had felt joy at seeing the little pink line that had first told us of its existence.
Perhaps having longed for our baby with such emotional intensity for so long added to the pain I felt when we lost our baby. In another way, I actually felt a first glimmer of real hope, for I now knew it was possible for us to conceive – everything else was unknown but at least there was the possibility that we may be able to conceive again. Praise God that only one month after my miscarriage he allowed us to conceive our precious daughter and since then a son as well.
We live in a culture that falsely portrays having a family as a lifestyle choice that everyone can have if, and when, it suits them. To me it looked as if everyone around me was having children with no problem at all. When I was then faced with the death of our tiny, precious baby I just kept wondering why God would let this happen. Looking back, what did God teach me through this? To feel more deeply the truth of Job’s words:
“The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21b
This is a truly humbling and yet liberating truth – all things regarding life and death are completely in his control and not mine. God really is the author of all creation.